an open letter to my family

i usually write about special events in my life or my poetry on here. but lately it has come to my attention that there are some questions or conversations about where i stand when the term "family" is concerned. first case in point is my lack of attendance at the shultz family christmas this year. yes. it is the first big holiday event without the presence of my grandfather. and yes, i am fully aware of the fact that i am not the ONLY person grieving the loss. but what i am very fully aware of is that we all grieve in very different ways. my abundance of "sad" poetry over the past 8 months does not mean that i have buried myself in a dark hole of utter sadness. if anyone knows me at all, they would know that i have been writing since i was 15 years old. and by writing things down it helps me in the best way possible. it gets everything out. the fact that i have chosen not to attend the annual event ONE time in 28 years should not be as big of an issue that it has become. i am pretty sure there are plenty of people who rarely even bothered to attend when grandpa was still with us. and i am also pretty sure that i have attended a surplus of birthday parties, hospital visits, bridal showers, baby showers, graduations, family reunions, and holiday gatherings on my own free will to make up for missing one family christmas. and it has come to my attention that there are some who think that lately i have started to "break away" from family. well, here is how my summer was spent. i had a wedding in massena, a bridal shower in new york city, a wedding in ithaca and i seem to remember being present at 2 bridal showers and another big family wedding. let it also be clear that i put aside my own wedding for a couple reasons, but mainly so i could fully share everyone else's marital events without distraction. and when i had moments for billy and i to be together we were on the river. the one place where i could feel the spirit and connection of my grandfather.
and as far as the holiday season. for as long as i can remember, i have had the sullivan christmas, the karpel christmas, the shultz christmas. now add in the hunt christmas (that would be my father's family for any of you who are wondering) and the bristol christmas. and every for the past few years, since i have moved to syracuse, i have been up and down route 81 every weekend in december. the drive can be a little different than in july. and this year i decided that i was not going to do it all. i am just not!!
i have a good thing going in syracuse. i have a wonderful man in my life who goes above and beyond to provide for us. i have a wonderful career of which i worked my ass of to achieve. i have a nice place to call our home. which is all i have ever wanted in my life. i know i am not the first person in the family to move out of the area. and i can certainly sympathize with them with the feelings of being ostracized for not attending every family function under the sun.
and as far as some of you thinking that grandpa would want me to be there and it would upset him if i were not, well that is probably true. but i do know that i let him know more than enough in life about how much he meant to me. the piece that was read at his funeral was never meant for that purpose. i wrote it a month before his death because i felt he should know exactly how i felt about him in my life. i did not want him leaving this place without me telling him, for that would be my biggest regret in our relationship. and i know that he would not want our family to talk about each other in the manor of being spiteful or gossip about each other as if we are all better than each other. so maybe we should think about that the next time we open our mouths to speak. and i know that he would not appreciate anyone of us to be upset because of another. i know that he would not want to see anyone of us hurting.
i really do not feel like i should have to justify myself as a part of this family. unfortunately i have done just that. and i dont think he would ever want me to have to do that as well. and if anybody feels as if i am slipping away from this family, i am here and i have not changed. maybe it is time for them to take a step back and re-asses their own situation. i am sure answers can be found if you open your eyes a little wider. and for the record, i was always willing and proud to have my picture taken next to my grandfather.