if i ever leave this world alive

if i ever leave this world alive

flogging molly

if i ever leave this world alive

i'd thank ya for all the things you did

in my life

if i ever leave this world alive

i'll come back down and sit beside your

feet tonight

wherever i am you'll always be

more than just a memory

if i ever leave this world alive

if i ever leave this world alive

i'll take on all the sadness

that i left behind

if i ever leave this world alive

the madness that you feel will soon subside

so in a word don't shed a tear

i'll be here when it all gets weird

if i ever leave this world alive

so when in doubt just call my name

just before you go insane

if i ever leave this world

hey i may never leave this world

but if i ever leave this world alive

she says i'm okay; i'm alright

though you have gone from my life

you said it would

now everything should be alright

she says i'm okay; i'm alright

though you have gone from my life

you said it would,

now everything should be all right

yeah should be alright

it's a new year

it's a new year for watching the sunset more often. taking more pictures. laughing more often. listening to new music. not caring so much about what others think. not being negative. staying in touch with the ones i should. finding myself in a more clear light. writing more. fishing more. loving who i am. reading more books. being greener. loving you as much as i can. creating. doing more yoga. making more time for things that are healthier. letting my friends know how much i love them. going to concerts. stop wasting money on coffee. going swimming. letting go of the things that no longer hold meaning. never letting go of the things that do.

an open letter to my family

i usually write about special events in my life or my poetry on here. but lately it has come to my attention that there are some questions or conversations about where i stand when the term "family" is concerned. first case in point is my lack of attendance at the shultz family christmas this year. yes. it is the first big holiday event without the presence of my grandfather. and yes, i am fully aware of the fact that i am not the ONLY person grieving the loss. but what i am very fully aware of is that we all grieve in very different ways. my abundance of "sad" poetry over the past 8 months does not mean that i have buried myself in a dark hole of utter sadness. if anyone knows me at all, they would know that i have been writing since i was 15 years old. and by writing things down it helps me in the best way possible. it gets everything out. the fact that i have chosen not to attend the annual event ONE time in 28 years should not be as big of an issue that it has become. i am pretty sure there are plenty of people who rarely even bothered to attend when grandpa was still with us. and i am also pretty sure that i have attended a surplus of birthday parties, hospital visits, bridal showers, baby showers, graduations, family reunions, and holiday gatherings on my own free will to make up for missing one family christmas. and it has come to my attention that there are some who think that lately i have started to "break away" from family. well, here is how my summer was spent. i had a wedding in massena, a bridal shower in new york city, a wedding in ithaca and i seem to remember being present at 2 bridal showers and another big family wedding. let it also be clear that i put aside my own wedding for a couple reasons, but mainly so i could fully share everyone else's marital events without distraction. and when i had moments for billy and i to be together we were on the river. the one place where i could feel the spirit and connection of my grandfather.
and as far as the holiday season. for as long as i can remember, i have had the sullivan christmas, the karpel christmas, the shultz christmas. now add in the hunt christmas (that would be my father's family for any of you who are wondering) and the bristol christmas. and every for the past few years, since i have moved to syracuse, i have been up and down route 81 every weekend in december. the drive can be a little different than in july. and this year i decided that i was not going to do it all. i am just not!!
i have a good thing going in syracuse. i have a wonderful man in my life who goes above and beyond to provide for us. i have a wonderful career of which i worked my ass of to achieve. i have a nice place to call our home. which is all i have ever wanted in my life. i know i am not the first person in the family to move out of the area. and i can certainly sympathize with them with the feelings of being ostracized for not attending every family function under the sun.
and as far as some of you thinking that grandpa would want me to be there and it would upset him if i were not, well that is probably true. but i do know that i let him know more than enough in life about how much he meant to me. the piece that was read at his funeral was never meant for that purpose. i wrote it a month before his death because i felt he should know exactly how i felt about him in my life. i did not want him leaving this place without me telling him, for that would be my biggest regret in our relationship. and i know that he would not want our family to talk about each other in the manor of being spiteful or gossip about each other as if we are all better than each other. so maybe we should think about that the next time we open our mouths to speak. and i know that he would not appreciate anyone of us to be upset because of another. i know that he would not want to see anyone of us hurting.
i really do not feel like i should have to justify myself as a part of this family. unfortunately i have done just that. and i dont think he would ever want me to have to do that as well. and if anybody feels as if i am slipping away from this family, i am here and i have not changed. maybe it is time for them to take a step back and re-asses their own situation. i am sure answers can be found if you open your eyes a little wider. and for the record, i was always willing and proud to have my picture taken next to my grandfather.

your place

i had a dream
that i was walking down
baldrock
and i passed by your
place
only it was no longer
your place
and i did not
realize
until this morning
when i was brushing
my teeth
that as i walked
by your place
only it was no longer
your place
that from your
front porch
hung all of these
silly decorations
some were spinning
some were twirling
some were swaying
in the breeze
but all of these
silly decorations
hanging from your porch
only it was no longer
your porch
were all in the shape
of bright
yellow
sunflowers

christmas time is here, happiness and cheer, fun for all that children call their favorite time of year

today was my first time being the hostess for the karpel kristmas. it was really exciting to know that i did not have to make the trip up 81 north this year. and at the moment i am in my pj's nestled in my bed, far far away from the cookies downstairs. overall the day was great. mom and george arrived around one with the prime rib all ready to go in the oven. and the keesler family arrived shortly after. we had shrimp, mom's pepper jelly, my buffalo chicken dip, and an awesome homemade cheese ball from britt to start the festivities with.

hannah is concentrating on her new magic trick book. she and jordan are both almost as tall as me, as jordan politely pointed out today! i cannot believe how big these two kids are.

jordan has a new addition- his braces!! of course aunt emily, the hygienist, had to start the spanish inquisition on how he is taking care of his teeth. even though i know he will do just fine. he even turned down a soda. of course he was a little bummed when grandma gave him his annual life savers. and of course this year she chose gummies.

here are hannah and jordan with their noses in their new books - hannah with her magic book and jordan with his guitar book. that is the interest for the moment!

britt is opening up her annual gift of polish pottery from her father. i also got a nice piece for my collection, which was a nice surprise. george always picks out each piece by himself. it is ironic because every year for his birthday i get him a michael ringer, and now he gives me polish pottery. it's all about the collecting!!

the gang laughing about one of the many funny things that were said today.

there was a slight theme this year with the gifts. it was rather "a christmas story-ish" jordan got his leg lamp t-shirt. hannah got a pair of pink footie pj's that were rather reminiscent of the bunny pj's. so we made her go try them on and then pose on the stairs. it was cheap entertainment!!

mom and george got billy some nice coasters (if you ever come to our house you would see that he is kind of a coaster freak). they are from the thousand islands museum and are a map of the river divided into 4 coasters. and of course he would not take a serious and nice picture and had to make a dorky face. oh well. just focus on the nice coasters!!

after we opened presents and let our munchies settle we moved on to dinner. the prime rib was accompanied by bearnaise and grandpa harold's horseradish that i had stocked away. we also had steamed green beans, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese (hannah's fav) and britt made her famous corn casserole. yeah. we had a lot of food.

out of all the things we had to eat today, there was one thing that i was most delighted to see my mother pull out of her basket. KOLACHKY!! these little bundles of joy are the most awesome cookies ever. and there are some in my kitchen as i type this that i might ha..........ok, i am back. i just had to go eat one.








britt made delish almond cookies too. i also kept some of these for my own eating pleasure.

and even with all of these cookies lying around i still managed to have some people eat my pecan pie. it was the first one i ever made. it was a big hit with george and jordan. i however have no room at the moment. breakfast??

britt was showing the cookies some LOVE!!!
hannah and jordan hanging out at the table. it looks as if hannah was tipping back the drinks!! no, they all are not hers! billy, being the good son in law, and doing ALL the dishes!!!! after dessert it was guitar hero time. glen played the axe for a bit.

do you think the kids look happy that dad is hogging the game??
jordan's turn!i think george is pondering whether he should be the next guitar hero!
mom and britt relaxing


and after many, many test shots with the self-timer on the camera, we managed to get a nice group photo to end the all too perfect karpel kristmas 2008!!

Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say on a bright hawaiian christmas day

for the past three days my life has been consumed with baked goods. i made chocolate chip cookies and sugar cookies and a pecan pie all from scratch. i seriously have carpel tunnel in my right hand as i type this. but it is worth the pain for all of this delish. i am pretty excited for tomorrow. it is the first karpel kristmas that we are hosting in our house. that means no drive-y for emmy and no allergy meds for glen or swelling of the throat for billy (is it ironic that both of the son in law's are allergic to cats?? or is it just the standard son in law story so they dont have to withstand their in laws?? hmmmm, ) and mom and george are driving down here tomorrow with the prime rib and shrimp in tow.

i know i'll often stop and think about them, in my life i love you more...

i always hold a place
in my heart
for you
you are more than
just an aunt
more than just a friend

our bond started

before we knew each other

it started between the two of you

and everyday it still grows

you have given me
more than you realize
to get through
this life
get through it all

when my life was down
you have always been there
to say the right things
and give me strength

i am who i am today
because of you.

happy birthday!!!

i must go away, wait for me here, silently stay, and don't ask me why, only believe, this is not goodbye

"Light on my Shoulder" by susie suh

"It's easier to fall and harder to stand

It's easier to cry and harder to laugh,

And I don’t know how, I don’t know why

But you’re the light on my shoulder

When I'm tired

It's easier to run and harder to be still

It's easier to think and harder to feel,

And I don’t know how, I don’t know why

But you’re the light on my shoulder

When I'm tired

It's easier to hide and harder to trust

It's easier to hate and harder to love

And I don’t know how, I don’t know anything

But you’re the temper in my voice

When I sing"

i dont need to prove

anything

i dont need to be in the room

for you to know

how i feel

i dont need to stare

at your empty chair

for validation

that you want me there

i dont need to pretend

to smile at them

for you to feel

ok

all i need to do

is write

and get it all out

on the page

for you to see

me

and i have,

and i do,

and i will

and you know

and thats all that matters

white meat, dark meat, you just cant lose, i fell of my moped and i got a bruise.....

and the traditions continue. i started the thanksgiving day off with the ceremoniously cinnamon buns that mom has always made ever since i was born. i could start tasting the sweet little bundles the night before...of course i had to keep some of them un-frosted for billy's lack of a sweet tooth. but i didnt mind, that just meant extra icing for me...i made a turkey breast this year. it was from plainville farms, which meant there were no hormones or other crappy fillers and the turkeys were free range and not stuck in a cage. and i seasoned it with fresh sage, thyme, rosemary lemon and of course lots of butter. this was my first attempt at a real thanksgivin-y turkey. last year i cheated and did the roast - in a - bag method, which will never again occur after this year's triumphant feast. and what thanksgiving would be complete without the famous turkey plate of grandma phyllis's. this plate is the meaning of all holiday tradition for me. and it is proudly on display in my dining room.the most delicious turkey in the history of thanksgiving

can you tell i am proud of the turkey????

hope everyone had a great thanksgiving!!

winter night visitor

winter night visitor

we spent a second together

in the dark deep freeze of the night

only the sun was shining bright

and the river was flowing warm

i felt the summer breeze on my face

and your smile in my heart

as i took the wheel of the resurrected boat, shiny turquoise and white

gleaming in the sunshine

and pointed the bow towards Bathtub Bay

and as we took a spin around Rusho

i could see the entirety of the tree line

and the lily pads floating

as we were alone together in our own moment of sunshiny glory

we spent a second together

in the dark deep freeze of the night

only the sun was shining bright

and the river was flowing warm

i never could truly see your face

but my heart tells me you were there

was a long and dark december, from the rooftops i remember there was snow, white snow

this was the scene yesterday from the window at the office. the drive home was awful!! i think we got a couple feet from around noon till 4pm. thank god i just had new tires put on my car the day before!!and this was billy's get up this morning as he went outside to shovel/snow blow. this is our first winter with the luxury of a snow blower. one of his co workers sold it to him. his wife cut of her finger in it last winter. needless to say, billy got a really good deal on it. i have never even gone near it nor will i attempt to. it's like the christine of snow blowers!!!!

ok, ok. so i know its not thanksgiving yet. i realize this. but, i ordered this tree and i had to put it together to see if it looked decent, since i am partial to real trees. but since we are mostly in clayton for the holidays i didnt want the hassle of the real deal. so, upon assembling the tree, i said i may as well just do it up and decorate it. so, here we are. i have my FIRST tree. the last couple of years i just threw a string of lights and some decoration on a fake house plant/tree. but i decided that the custom was not going to fly. especially since i am hosting the karpel kristmas this year.

i decided to dabble in candle making as well as soap. this is my first attempt. it is a soy candle and the fragrance is called "home for the holidays" i hope it pans out. it is supposed to be green but it looks black in the picture. it smells yummy!! i recycled a salad dressing jar for the trial run!! but i am planning on getting some real candle jars for the rest. i also got 2 other christmas scents and two different shades of red for the colors. is there a business venture in my future filled with soap and candles? hmm, perhaps...

the river

The warm summer breeze

begins to drift over the water.

Sitting on the point

overlooking the river.

One last boat is going home

after a hot, carefree day.

The distant hum of the engine

reaches my ears,

Blending in with the rush of water against the rocks,

Summer's own mesmerizing soundtrack.

I dip my foot in,feeling the chill embrace

My bare foot,with it's many tan lines

from my favorite worn out flops.

On the small shoal

in the distance I can see

the silhouette of the blue heron,
Black against the setting sun's rainbow.

Pink, orange, purple and red

fill the spaces in between

Each tiny island

as the sun slowly

Descends,and darkness

Is out to play.

i get a liittle warm in my heart when i think of winter

no sooner did i post pics from summer and i look out my window and its snowing!!! winter is here! yikes!!

meet me in the summertime, we can move the air..meet me in the summertime, i will see you there!!

these are pictures that bogie just emailed me today. i have been hounding him since june? for them. and seeing them now makes me miss summer!!! billy and i on our way to potter's

thomas and i posing

billy catching a beer!!

the three of us having fun

crazy group shot!!

nice group shot!!

porch party!!!

bazzy and i posing like charlie's angels. if i remember correctly, i think we said something like bogie was charlie...

my favorite picture of the summer!!!! i miss you summmer!!